Ad Doctor: What I Learned from the Grammys...

Life imitates art...it's a well known mantra...the yin to "Art imitates Life's" yang. Either way you shake it though, according to the Grammy's, our country's pulse is to be measured by a teenage girl whining about trying to steal someone else's boyfriend. And you know what? That sounds about right. We live in a high school, not a nation. We live in a country where people care more about gossip and lies than politics and world policy. Where even elected officials lower themselves to making insults rather than offering constructive criticism or logical arguments. Where music, or anything for that matter, is not about a substantial product, but about a quick sale. Where everyone has this innate sense of entitlement bred by their being able to broadcast their every insignificant, uneducated thought to the world on Facebook and Twitter--I better be careful not to border on hypocrisy with that statement, although our nation is built on that too.

But, Steve, it's just an awards show...those are always wrong...they always honor what's popular (a.k.a. what record companies and radio stations force on the public) rather than what's good...

For the most part, but do the Academy Awards do that? Do they honor what's popular over what's good? No. Otherwise every year an Academy Award would be won by whatever CGI-infused, cliche-driven blockbuster happened to be the runaway summer hit that year. (Although, this year it probably will be a CGI-infused, cliche-driven blockbuster named Avatar.)

But anyway, enough with the futile fight against tastelessness. I could go on and on about the

assassination of rock n' roll by talentless pop groups like Green Day, or about the lack of value or meaning in virtually every song nominated this year for the major televised awards, but I'd just be playing a broken record. And playing the same tired tune would just make me more like the modern music industry, wouldn't it?

So onto what I've learned...

1. If you want to get recognition in this country...you need to do two things: (a) make a song that's highly repetitive and only has lyrics so the listener has a break between hearing the hook

too many times and (b) dress in absurd, childish outfits to get people to look at you. And when they insult you for your embarrassing attire, you can claim it's an artistic expression even though it's just a simple lack of shame and the knowledge that being different will get you noticed, which will get you more exposure. (If you couldn't tell I'm talking about Lady Gaga and the Black Eyed Peas, although I guess Jay-Z falls into the first part of that as well.)

2. Slash is no longer a guitarist...he's a cartoon character, an image, a brand, a top-hat with curly

hair coming out that happens to be holding a Les Paul. I'll get to this in a later post, but it's pretty evident by his desecration of the sacred November Rain solo among the likes of a lip-syncing auto-tuned Jamie Foxx and T-Pain that he has lost all respect for himself and music.

3. Awards shows are just one big commercial for whatever station they happen to be on. Having nobodies from CBS sitcoms and dramas presenting awards does not gain exposure for your shows, CBS. It's a music awards show...do I need to see the guy from the Mentalist, or the chick from the Big Bang Theory, handing out trophies? No, because they have no music credentials, they're simply there for shameless self-promotion. Plug your shows on the commercial break. Nobody will tune into your shows because they saw one of your "stars" hand out the award for Best Comedy Album. Instead bring out interesting music figures people actually care about.

4. Here's a positive I'll sneak in here for you: Eminem is really good live, and rightfully won the

award for Best Rap Album, although it wasn't shown on TV, probably because Jay-Z wasn't up for the Award. Then again, the Blueprint 3 really isn't a rap album, it's just a bunch of good beats with a once-talented rapper mouthing mediocrity over them. Eminem's performance with Lil Wayne and Drake was also excellent except for the censor's itchy trigger finger.

5. I already mentioned this, but it might as well be the fifth thing I learned, and continue to learn every year...who picks these awards? Pearl Jam put out one of the best rock albums in years, and they get nominated for one category (rock song or something like that) and lose to Kings of Leon? Come on... And how does Dave Matthews not win something for his excellent album? Oh, I know why...because both groups have talent instead of mindless teenage fans, and in the eyes of the music industry...talent always loses.

I've angered myself enough talking about the Grammy's for one day...

Oh, that Michael Jackson tribute was pretty good too